tips on romance.
wrote this to a friend, who's name is not mentioned. she, like, i, hasn't invested sexually yet in a person (as in, fully sexually, as in, is a virgin, as I am, though "virginity" is always a relative term, no?). she basically told me she was interacting with a guy who called her on being shy, awestruck. she was feeling sensitive and that he was right and that she was feeling "virginal" in the face of his experience and confidence. and in reply, I said ... (via email):
aww baby girl, you shoulda called me (after!) I was at home. so, you took the plunge eh. the only way to get more confident is to throw yourself in there more often. the risk, of course, is you might embarrass yourself and he'll suddenly find you dorky and drop you. if so, his bad. regardless, ALWAYS know who you are and what you are made of. people think of confidence as this unclaimable, intangible concept that they have no hope of claiming, that they aren't worthy, that they're aspiring to something they don't really have. that to show confidence is false, that they're being an imposter. untrue.
the truth is that knowing your own value is a state of fact, not a false claim. for example, you know your height. you know your gender. you know your sexual preference and your favorite food. these are lifelong facts you got used to along the way and are now quite sure of. no one would think it cocky of you to know and state those things - it is perfectly natural and understandable.
apply this to who you are. this develops over time and our affinity for our self truths and our ability to accept and love ourselves for who we are is always a unique road that is catered to each person. tougher times in life mold us into learning the values that train us to understand who and what we are, so that over time, we are totally confident and unshakeable - I AM THIS. And nothing you say will change it, and I am not afraid or ashamed to be who and what I am, and I am proud of what I am, and I am not a stranger to myself. I do not deny myself the truth of myself, hide from the things that scare me about myself or run from what I know deep down inside.
This is a universal thing that will attract the truest friends to you, and the truest loves. A confident man - which is not simply cocksure and sexually experienced, but a man who is sure of what he is and who does not follow others but leads himself - will seek a woman who is the same. Who believes in herself.
I say all this not because I think you'll find that with this man. But everything is to be taken for a grain of salt. He can be as smooth as he likes, as suave, sexy, and in control of himself as he likes - he's still a man. He is no better or "more in control" of the situation than you unless you let him be. You can let him cow you and make you nervous and shake you and make you doubt yourself and what you want. And you'll be more likely to do that as you first engage with men until you begin to see how flawed and selfish and confused the most "perfect" men you encounter are. And then you realize - it's all glitter and glam and underneath it all, does he know himself? Does he use you to reassure himself of things that aren't true of him (ie, to feed his ego)? Does he respect you? Does he respect that you know yourself, and what you want, and does he respect those wants, does he respect your rights to your opinion and your desires? Or does he try to convince you of what HE thinks, does he try to tell you what HE knows? Know one can know you better than yourself, no matter how old they are, no matter where they've come from, even if they're your own parent or sibling.
So, you can believe him when he tells you you're shy, bashful, and awestruck. Or you can say, no, I haven't had much experience with men, but I like them. I haven't had much experience with sex, but I want it. Who cares if I'm younger and inexperienced? All it is is a matter of sexual technique. That will get better with practice. So will my interactions with you, and with men in general. None of my lack of sexual experience equates to naivete or stupidity or mewling incompetence. I am a woman, I know what I want, and remember , buddy, that this playing field is equal. Sure, if I take one wrong step you could push me away and be done with it. Just know that I'm not going to break down and fall apart. There are other men out there who'd love to get at this. And if YOU take one wrong step I could push YOU away and be done with it. And there will be other women out there you can then go after. Equality, baby.
. I learned these lessons on my own internet dating sprees a couple years ago, as you recall. I think I told you about all that. The last date (out of 15!) became my boyfriend, who I had "settled" for. Never settle. Never go for what's safe and "normal." Normality is relative. It's about what makes you FEEL GOOD. And if you ever find yourself on a rollercoaster with someone who makes you feel fantastic less than 50% of the time, get out of it. You want to feel good MOST of the time with someone. And if you feel not much of anything, don't stay in it to be nice or because you're scared to take blame. It is never a crime to stop feeling or stop liking someone or something. If you can stop liking vanilla ice cream, you can stop liking a person. Sounds harsh, but it's true. Preference is fickle, because so are people. It is a bonus to ever encounter someone you care and feel positive with, friend or more, for the long term. This is why most relationships ARE meant to be short-lived.
And remember that if you go gaga over a man and you entangle yourself emotionally that you should always take it slowly (don't dive in head first unless he does it with you) because the minute he smells your gaga, and he doesn't reciprocate (you'll grow better at reading the difference between what he tells you he's feeling and what he shows you he's feeling) and you begin to do all the little things that pile up to show that you are lacking self-pride, he WILL begin to look down on you, and postulate, and lecture, and take it upon himself to be the "educated smart one" guiding the "silly, clueless, needy little girl." Men have a tendency to lean that way, because they've got a history of chauvinism and misogynism. Now, not all men are like that. Most have now been trained to have a holding pattern as they get to know a girl to guage her level of "helplessness." But the tendency leans very heavily to a woman being helpless and clueless. Assuming that makes a man feel better about himself - I can protect and guide her. I am man, hear me roar, I'm tough. I have proven yet again that women are inferior.
But even knowing this, you do NOT have to have a chip on your shoulder (not good for you in the long run and unpleasant to be around for men), but you also shouldn't contribute to pulling wool over your own eyes and giving in to that tendency. Which means, keep your backbone ALWAYS. But remain generous and understanding. You are this way naturally so I'm not worried about that. The byproduct is that you learn to love yourself and discover that a man will respect you more (and potentially love you more) only when that respect is in place. And if you find it hard to engage with men and that most men are presumptuous as described in the above paragraph, know that you can at the very least have a fling with him. Don't take him seriously and let him know that and of course then he'll suddenly realize you ARE strong but at that point all he'll be good for is bedbait. ;)
So never ever give him any reason or opportunity to doubt your integrity, beauty, grace, intelligence, and above all - power. ;)
Now I could get more specific about how to handle him on the phone. But it comes to you to choose your path about how to be strong in yourself and know yourself. Only you can truly understand that and maintain that, and every women does it her own way. I think a major lesson women have to learn again and again is - it won't kill you to lose him. It doesn't matter if you lose him. It's crazy, you'll see women with men they don't even love. Because they don't want to lose him. Lose WHAT, you'll ask. They'll say, well. My home. My family. Whatever. What it really is is social standing. They think the world will see they aren't desirable or wantable if they break up with someone. That's a social construct and it entraps many women because they let it.
But if you lose a man, there are MANY MORE where he came from. It is not a reflection of your character or your worth if you lose him. You are not less of a woman or an unattractive woman or an undesirable uninteresting woman just because ONE particular man in a particular case loses interest (for whatever reasons, stupid or justified). And the moment you realize this, you relax. Just like you don't care if everybody in the world isn't your best friend (because not everyone can like or love you) you realize it doesn't matter if every man you lock onto in the world isn't going to fall madly in love with you - it's not a sign of your worth. People are different, and people have different interests, and everyone is entitled to like and pursue and to cease pursuing whoever they choose. Sure you may be disappointed but it is NOT a reflection of your worth. They just don't like vanilla ice cream. So? There are tons of people who do.
So feel virginal. Don't be ashamed of it. It's who you are, at this time. And when you're ready, you'll lose it to someone who respects you (hopefully!) and you'll be just as sure of yourself then as you are know. Hey, and no one's 100% sure all the time, so you're entitled to feel shaky now and then. But in the end, when you close your eyes at night, you know as you drift of to sleep exactly what you hope for in life, and what you want in life, and where you intend to go. And no man can ever change that - unless you let him. ;)
