An email I wrote about a tiny development ... to a friend:

From: "Miriam M. Wynn"
To: XXX
Subject: guess what i found?
Date: Mon, 10 Nov 2003 11:06:37 -0800

girl so last night i get home and hunt for some pajamas to climb into. guess what I found?

a tshirt from my boy. i think it's one of his favorites - he loves flames, and it had "Year of the Dragon" with fire and flames down the back and on the sleeves. And it SMELLS like him girl, oh my god, it smells amazing. what the hell was it doing in my hamper?

so the night he left he was packing up and his stuff was everywhere (he'd only been at my house a few hours, from like, 10:30 to 2 am) and he said, I feel like I'm forgetting something. and i looked around and back at him like, nope, doesn't seem like it. and he did the same and agreed.

so he packed up and we headed out and then that's when i took him back to his place and that was the last time i saw him (when i parked and went back to him and got it on with him a little more and then he swung me up in the air and I went back out alone into the rain).

so i wonder if he had left it on purpose. I dunno but I do know that on Tues he had wanted to take my bra home with him but realized his gf wouldn't appreciate that. and on Friday i went THROUGH that hamper and didn't even see it - it was clean clothes, just all bundled up. then no word from him and on saturday the breakup call. and on sunday i'm gone all day and i come back to find this magical thing in my hamper. hah.

that does trigger something though. he had mentioned thursday that he needed to wash clothes and that he would take all his stuff to his aunt's house to wash. and i had laughed at him for using other peeps to wash his clothes. now it makes sense - he went over there on Friday and that's apparently when she may have said something to him about seeing him with another girl ...

ah well. just an FYI. i spent last night holding on tight to that shirt and breathing in his scent like nobody's business. it'll fade eventually but i'll always have it. and if he shows up asking for it i'm not gonna let him have it. only fair considering he has a girlfriend to keep him warm at night and i got nada. :P

m

He called Sat at around 5 (I had a horrible time sleeping fri night). Left a message saying to call him as soon as I got the message (I was in the theater watching Matrix 3 and crying at the love story). Shelema was with me. Drove her partway home and stopped off so she could buy a crepe. Waited in the car - checked the message immediately. He said, "Call me as soon as you get this, it's an emergency." So I did. Turned out the number he left was for where he works. When he got on the phone he was tender and sweet, his voice totally changed. "Hey, kiddo," he greeted me, with his usual pet name. "Hi," I said, "what's wrong? there's an emergency?" He said, "Yeah ... basically i fucked up, somehow my aunt saw us together and I'm in big trouble ... " I said, "Oh ... I'm sorry." I meant, I'm sorry you got caught, sorry you're in trouble, sorry for everything ... He said, "So I don't think we can see each other any more." My voice was tiny. what could I say? "Alright." A bit of silence, and then I said, "I'll miss you though." He said, "I'll miss you, too," very gently. And we said our goodbyes, and that was that.

All while sitting in the car. Shelema came back, and I had to drive her back home as if nothing had happened. I got home and crawled into my bed. I didn't eat. I cried. I could barey sleep. It was very shitty.

I thought we'd have more time. I wish that he'd been more careful. I wish for a lot of things. And I do miss him. Badly.

So Wed night (11/5) he called me late and kept me up pretty late (2 am!).

Thursday (11/6) he called me all day and begged to come up to SF with me to my voice class. I warned him he'd have to entertain himself for 3 hours. He rode up from San Jose on the 22 all the way to Walmart Mountain View (2 hrs on a bus) where I could pick him up. He asked - where's my kiss? I've never had a man ask me that. EVER. Off we drove, and he kept me entertained the whole way making funny voices - I insisted, you need to be in voice acting. He said, I would if I knew how. I said, just like an actor, you audition, you book jobs. You can't live off it but you can't make extra money. He's like, we could go into business together! I laughed at that.

He eagerly pulled up his left shorts leg so I could run my nails on his thigh gently ... we drove like that, chatting about everything and nothing, him making crazy voices and jokes and telling me random facts he knows. He keeps me guessing, remains random, mysterious, funny, sharp. He's charming, odd, goofy.

I suppose I expected him to be fun and that's about it. No depth, no added interaction, just physical attraction. It's amazing and scary to discover how good to me he is, how gentlemanly, thoughtful, and generous. After class, he made sure to greet me with my jacket at the door to make sure I got to the car dry and safe. He told me how he'd wanted to take me to a movie but couldn't because he'd had to make sure his grandmother had a hotel for the night, and his funds were short. He cooked food for us at the end of the night. He does these things of his own free will and he's MADE like that. He keeps talking about things he wants to do with me - go cart riding, teach me how to drive a stick shift, voice acting, dancing, go to a party, go the movies, all these things he doesn't have to do, doesn't need to do. But he wants to.

He kept saying, "Why couldn't I have met you earlier? Where were you? Why didn't you come along sooner?" And my answer was always, "Sadly, far away, nowhere near you." But every time you conjecture on the "whatifs" you risk thinking of the future, the past, what could be. And NOTHING can be.

I have decided that I want to be good to him, and enjoy him, and enjoy him being good to me. That this will be a positive experience wherein we'll learn from each other and add to each other's lives for a brief time. I want to give him great memories so that one day he'll think back to this and smile. I don't want us to regret this or knowing each other. I want to give him every fantasy and positive thing I can. I want to appreciate him for what he is as much as I am able to, as much as is allowed.

Thursday night, we got very intimate and I made love to him as best as I could in my physical state (still healing). I did several things he'd never experienced before and he was amazed. He let me take his picture (just his face) so I could have proof he existed. I have his full name but after this ends I won't be using it or the picture for anything but memories.

What sucks is to think that if we had met 3, 4 years ago, what would we have been like? Beautiful? Happy? After 3-6 months even now we might turn out awful, the lust wears off and there's nothing left.

He mentioned something about the future, conjecturing - he said, so I cook, clean, fix my house up, take care of my grandma. I said, yes, you're a very amazing boy. He said, how would you feel about being with someone who worked at jamba juice? I said, I'd have this question before and it's tough. If it were love I guess I'd have to be ok with it as long as he was happy. But he can't trip because I make more money than him. But I'd rather that the man I was with challenge himself and do creative things that make him happy. Whatever that is, college etc. But I think I confused him - he said, "Well I guess I'm not the perfect guy for you then, I want to do more than work there." I said, "That's not what I meant, I'd RATHER he challenge himself and go to college or whatever, as long as he's doing what makes him happy. But we shouldn't even be thinking about this." I said that to stop us from imagining ourselves together.

He finds me amazing and beautiful and hot and special and I'm fat and a mess. He told me he loves my big ass and boobs and love handles and stretch marks and it doesn't matter if I were skinnier or not, I'm amazing. He agrees that I need to lose weight and works out - he's a realist, and yet, sees the beauty and me and not only that, FEELS the beauty in me. I have never felt that on the receiving end nor felt it for another. He wants to know all about me and tells me all about himself. He went through my entire photo album and even saw my ex (eww, gross!, he said) and my prom pix and my fam and my travels. I kept telling him how hot he was, though he refused to believe it.

He makes me feel almost LOVED and he's just being a great friend and lover. I haven't felt appreciated this way ever. I mean EVER. I have had men petulant and pissy and prissy and whiny and manipulative and pushy and selfish and childish ... but he's oddly always a man even though he's young and inexperienced.

I dropped him off at home and he said, "You don't want to come in, do you? You have to go to bed?" I said, yep. And he said, "Good night. Call me sometime." Without a kiss and I drove off feeling empty. So I turned back and found parking and walked through the rain with my umbrella and tapped lightly on the door. He looked freaked out and angry but let me in, realizing who it was. He was like, "What?" I said, you wanted me to come in, or ..." He said, "She's coming over soon." I told him I could go but he had invited me, it was up to him. "Well, we have an hour," he said. I said, "Can we go into the bedroom?" He said, "Why?" I said so that I can fulfill his fantasy. He said, "For real?" Grinned, and off we went.

I did that for him and afterward he asked, "Why did you come back?" I usually never answer questions without thinking first. This time I blurted what the reason was, without thinking about it. I said, "Because I wanted to be with you." I had been unsatisfied with our goodbye, without one last kiss, without being held by him.

He said, "Uh ..." I cut him off - "No no no! Not like that. Physically." He said, "Oh, because I was about to say that I can't do that ..." I said, "I know, of course not. Show me what you were going to show me." So he tried to find something he'd promised to show me and then I said, "I gotta go." As we tried to find my stuff he kinda snipped at me and I said, "Sorry!" He said, "I didn't mean to bite at you, I was just saying ..." And I said, "Iss coo."

To the door, where I put on my stuff, and he said, "Can I pick you up?" I gave him my laughing, sarcastic look and he grabbed me up and I laughed for him, smiling. Stepped on his toes on the way down. At the door, "I'm sorry I can't walk you out. Thanks for everything, for being so good to me, for taking me home tonight." "You're welcome," and off I went.

I got home expecting a phone call, but there was nothing. I got ready for bed and just before climbing in, the phone went off. "Hey kiddo," he said. "You made it home alright?" My voice had suddenly become terribly human, younger than it had ever been with him, because he'd taken me off guard. I had not expected to hear from him. "Yes, I got home safe. I'm getting ready for bed." "Jump in the bed then and go to sleep." "I am!" "Good. Goodnight." "Goodnight."

I wondered if that was it. All the way home and that night I knew that I had to fight feeling for him. With everything. And figure out what I wanted to do.

Friday - 11/7 - At work the next day I wondered if he'd call. On Thursday, he'd called at 2, and several times after. I called and left a voicemail on his phone at 11 am. I said, "Hi, it's Miriam, just wanted to say thank you for being so sweet yesterday, I had a lot of fun. Talk to you later, bye." I remained calm and friendly and as platonic as I could make myself sound.

Something like that. I wanted to say more but was afraid to be too detailed, but I wanted him to know how much I appreciated all he did for me, making me feel so good about myself, doing so much he didn't have to do (2 hr bus ride, etc, putting up with me and my health issues).

It's 5 pm and no answer. Perhaps I'll never hear from him again. That is a possibility. Doesn't mean that it isn't deserved. Doesn't mean that it won't hurt.

3:30 - he just called again (can you say horny?) trying to change our meeting back to tonight and then finally getting that yes, he should take my advice and wait til tomorrow. asked me questions about my bedroom toys and said he was going to bring one and some protection. I said, stop assuming, I didn't say you'd get to use anything on me. He said, and I didn't say I wouldn't get to. I told him how awful he was while laughing and he insisted - No, I'm going to make you sure you have some fun tomorrow. I said, well, ditto.

I should just tell him it's over, run away. Or maybe after tomorrow we'll be through! This would be bad enough if we were both single. It's even worse that he's on loan. I feel like Carrie, creeping with Mr. Big. My own libido and his together is just too much to resist.

2:00 pm, 11/5 - he just called, got off work early and told me he was bored. wanted to meet up tonight but i told him tomorrow would be better. asked if he was still interested in partying and he said yes. mentioned a party he might want to go to next weekend but said he didn't know (iffy in that noncommittal "i may not be available for you" way). i told him i'd call him tomorrow about meeting up with him after coming back from class in SF (around 10 on Thurs).

Offered to meet me at my door when I got back tonight. Told him that I am also cautious to meet up again so soon and get so engaged again because I felt we went a little too fast. That I enjoyed it but just wanted things a little slower. Not that we needed to have deep meaningful conversations but that I'd appreciate it if I didn't feel so pressured because that made me feel uncomfortable sometimes. He said something like, "We can do that." And, "Yeah, last night was intense." And I agreed. Agreed that I should call him and we'll meet up tomorrow cuz I said that would be better for me.

I love the way he greeted me though. "Hello beautiful." God.

sept - october 2003 - random flirtations with a boy who works at my local jamba juice.
11/3 - I walk in, he's magically there. we flirt like crazy. it's all described in the previous post.
11/4 - We meet up. I make the unwise decision of bringing him to my place. Unwise cuz we're both horny and *I* want to take it slow.

We did heavy petting and making out, but we did move pretty fast. I don't know what to do. Should I get this over with and try to end it quickly, to avoid later torment? I don't want to get hurt. I seem destined to get hurt in this. I don't want to care about him. Then again I'm starting, too. I can't expect him to be my boyfriend. We are clearly sneaking around and hiding from his girlfriend. I'm not necessarily in a place where I can BE somebody's girlfriend, no time, energy.

The night was wonderful except for two things. He said wonderful things to me, sweet talked me marvously, told me how beautiful and perfect I was, how amazing and crazy and angelic and how he felt like the devil. I said, if you're insistent on getting serviced tonight you can find yourself another hottie. He said, that's physically impossible, you're the hottest woman I've ever been with. He made me laugh and he was fun and I enjoyed myself. He snuck to his house to show me what had happend in the fire, and showed me his room, things he didn't have to show me. Probably did it just to see if we could get busy in a condemned house. :P But it was all great.

1. Except for the whiny pressure for a hand job/blow job, or to let him eat me out. He remained charming, but insufferable.

2. When I dropped him off he said, "Ok so don't forget about tomorrow, our secret relationship." I hadn't agreed about seeing him the next night, but as I thought about this he said, "And no one can find out about this." He held my gaze and made sure I understood. "Cuz if anyone finds out about this, I drop it." I stared back. "And I'm going to act like I never knew you, don't even know you." That hurt.

I had no expression but irony as I responded, "That's nice." (As in, that's a nice way to treat people/thing to do.) He didn't answer, just looked back at me frankly with a half smile - so I couldn't tell if he was joking, cuz he does that so often where he's serious but joking, or vice versa - and puts out his hand for a hand shake. So I assumed he was serious, and confirming this with a deal-shaker. I shook his hand. Then a hug goodnight and he gave me several thank yous before getting out of the car.

I don't want to wreck an engagement or relationship. So I think I'm going to ask for one basic thing - if you're going to be that cold when faced with the results of your own shady actions:

1. We play by my rules. Slow down and stop rushing me so much.
2. Warn me if someone finds out and your're ready to cut the cord.

What he doesn't get is nice and charming I may be but I have cut people out of my life several times, and I am not scared or afraid to do it when I have to, either. I understand why he would do that. That would be an immature way to handle it - if his girl really authorized it and he made the point to begin a relationship with someone I deserve respect, not to be treated as if I don't exist. No we can't continue a relationship as it was, and I wouldnt' even consider remaining friends, but a decent respectful "fare thee well and thank you for this experience" would be the least that I expected.

I suppose that's what i get for having an affair with a 20 year old. I just don't know how I'm going to play this. So like I said - let him get his rocks off then never speak to him again (of my own volition)? That way I avoid that future pain.

I just don't know.

An IM exchange with a friend regarding a new relationship ... that began 11/3/2003.

Session Start (AIM - thmilin:cs2003): Tue Nov 04 11:04:33 2003
cs2003: Morning M
cs2003: got your voicemail and IM late last night... had left my laptop at home and was at workplace
thmilin: heeey
thmilin: ooooh
cs2003: hi girl :)
thmilin: yeah i saw you on IM and i was like duuuude where you beeeee
thmilin: drama man, drama
thmilin: but first
thmilin: how you doin
cs2003: aw
cs2003: i'm alright
cs2003: so jamba boy bad news bears??
thmilin: so yeah well ... weird things have developed
thmilin: very very weird things
thmilin: they are considerably different than they were when i called you
cs2003: man! what happened?
thmilin: so the story goes
thmilin: i took monday off, feeling sluggish and cold and sleepy
thmilin: at around 6 i head out to run errands
thmilin: i have to return videos
cs2003: nice
thmilin: which are next to the jamba juice
cs2003: (that u took the day off)
thmilin: hehe
cs2003: ok
thmilin: something makes me say, well let's ease by the jamba juice and see if he's in there
cs2003: right
thmilin: at first i'm sure he's not
thmilin: but then bam he is
thmilin: he comes out from behind the counter, COLLEGE GIRL!
thmilin: he's chatting me up
thmilin: we're flirting hard core
thmilin: HARD CORE
thmilin: he hugs me twice
thmilin: takes my hand when i tell him he missed my bday party
cs2003: WHAT
thmilin: he's not even taking my order
thmilin: he's distracting the hell out of me while the other guy TRIES to take my order
cs2003: u just made me drop my cookie :p
thmilin: hahahahah
thmilin: good :)
thmilin: that was cute
cs2003: LOL
cs2003: was the other guy the dude who was there when i went with u?
thmilin: he takes off his hat shows me how he got a total shorn head is like, you wanna touch it?
thmilin: yes the same one who was like "i dunno" when i asked where jack was :P
thmilin: oh no no
thmilin: wait
thmilin: you saw shawn, the white boy
cs2003: right
thmilin: the day of my bday i went in there and there was this geeky lil mexican dude with crooked teeth, kinda skinny, he was like, "i dunno" when i asked if jack would be in. so it was him this time too
thmilin: so jack is asking if i wanna touch his head i'm like, nooo ...
cs2003: ok
cs2003: why not!
thmilin: and then he was asking about what i was for halloween and stuff
thmilin: it was weird
cs2003: :-p i'd be touchin that head
thmilin: basically we were flirting so much everyone was watching
cs2003: oh ok
thmilin: it was embarrassing
cs2003: ohhh
thmilin: this dude behind me who got his order was smiling and watching
thmilin: it was such a show
thmilin: i don't like public stuff like that
cs2003: oohhh
thmilin: feels contrived
cs2003: yah
thmilin: but he was still hot
cs2003: yay!
thmilin: so then i told him, i wasn't anything for halloween cuz i was broke
thmilin: and he wa slike, dude, let ME tell you about broke. my lil brother started a fire in the house the other day and part of the kitchen and th bathroom are shot
thmilin: so we're in a hotel now
cs2003: whoa
thmilin: and i'm like ooh i'm sorry
thmilin: (weird, eh?)
cs2003: right
cs2003: sad
thmilin: so then he's like, what are you doing tonight?
thmilin: headin home?
cs2003: NO WAY!
thmilin: i'm like um, going to the video store
thmilin: he saw the videos i'm returning in my hand
thmilin: oh! what are those?
thmilin: he takes them, shuffles through them
thmilin: "indy flicks" i say
thmilin: one of them is very sexy on the cover
thmilin: "entre los piernos" = between your legs
thmilin: very sexy - VERY SEXY - movie
thmilin: but it's a GOOD quality movie, siskel and roeper gave it thumbs up etc
thmilin: so anyway he hold it up to me and he's like, indy, riiiiight
thmilin: bet you were havin fun
cs2003: ok
thmilin: and i'm like, no! it's a good film ... hitchockian
cs2003: TELL me that was not in front of the others
thmilin: now, the cover actually has that reference
thmilin: yes, it was in front of the others
thmilin: it's loud in there so i'm sure they didn't hear everythign we said
thmilin: but they SAW us
cs2003: yah
cs2003: and him hold up the video
thmilin: so he goes ... hitch ... cock ... iean
thmilin: and i go, yes, i'm good with the puns
thmilin: and i'm smiling
thmilin: basically this was all the good stuff
thmilin: i'm at the door sort of lingering wondering if he's trying SO hard why he doesn't make a move
thmilin: ask me out etc
cs2003: lol
thmilin: so i'm like, well ... if you had a piece of paper and a pen i could give you my information
thmilin: it was loud so he goes, "you want me information? you wanna call me?"
cs2003: excellent
thmilin: i go, no, YOu can call ME
thmilin: and then he goes, oooh oooh ooh i'm so flattered but ... no, i've got a girlfriend an di love her ... actually we're getting married ...
thmilin: *WHAT THE FUCK*
thmilin: oh i forgot a detail. when my smoothie came up he snatched it up, knelt, and presented it to me as if i were guinevere
cs2003: WHOA FUCK
thmilin: yes
thmilin: so i'm all nervous and embarrased
cs2003: hello?!!! what's he on?
thmilin: why you gonna flirt SO hard and then 1) if you're a player, blow your cover 2) if you're not, why are you FLIRTING if you love your girl?
thmilin: hello? i agree
thmilin: so
thmilin: he goes, well you're probably not gonna call me now but friends are good, right?
thmilin: and i'm like, healf hearted ... yeah ...
cs2003: shit
thmilin: and he runs behind the counter, writes his number, runs back, takes me outside hands it to me
thmilin: and he's like, asking me all these questions so obviously fascinated with me
thmilin: and then h egoes, well actually i should be getting off about now stya right there
thmilin: and since the friendship thing happened i was trying to switch gears and turn into the platonic miriam
cs2003: damn
cs2003: this is unbelievable
cs2003: sounds like he's so wired?
thmilin: "Crazy Jack"
thmilin: dude
thmilin: there's more
thmilin: MOOOOOOORE
cs2003: GOD!!!!
thmilin: this kinda shit only happens to me man
thmilin: so he comes back all ready to go
thmilin: in his jacket and stuff and i'm like, well i'm heading over to the video store ...
thmilin: and he's like, so what do you do what are you about etc
thmilin: his cellie rings he answers it, "Hey honey! Yeah ... i'm gonna be hanging at the video store. k, bye"
thmilin: so i'm like, oh god that was his gf right there and why is he coming with me to the video store?
thmilin: oh and when he handed me hi snumber he was like, i HATE hotels and staying in them so i'm thinking i'm going to wander tonight
cs2003: WTF
thmilin: and hang out so give me a call tonight if you want to hang
thmilin: and i'm like, um, can't you stay with your girl?
thmilin: he goes, she lives with her family and her father hates me
thmilin: i go, can't you hang out with her?
thmilin: he goes, well i was gonna take her to the movies but she didn't want to go
thmilin: so we're in the video store
thmilin: and he's asking me about work
cs2003: *shaking my head in disbelief*
thmilin: and then i wander and end up in the video game section (somewhere nice and platonic)
cs2003: you're too cute
thmilin: lol
thmilin: oh i forgot when he was flirting hard core before he was like, what's your sign? i said, libra. he goes, no wonder we get along so well together
thmilin: or something lik ethat
thmilin: anyway
thmilin: we're in the video game section and he learns more about me (boys love that i play video games and love that i like action)
thmilin: so we're talking about terminator 2 and then i turn aroudn and there is - HIS GIRL
thmilin: apparently he wasn't just saying hi, she was coming to GET HIM
cs2003: WHAT
cs2003: WHAT??
thmilin: so i just met this boy, flirted, thought he was available, found out he wasn't, was adjusting to him as a (maybe) friend and then BAM - meet his girlfriend
cs2003: i cant even start to imagine how you were feeling
thmilin: all in the space of 20 min
thmilin: HELLO?
thmilin: i know
thmilin: crazy
thmilin: there's more
thmilin: MORE
cs2003: GOD
cs2003: *eyes popping*
thmilin: so the situation becomes terribly awkward
thmilin: and i'm as polite as i can muster
thmilin: and then he's like, we'll we're gonna head out now but don't be a stranger!
thmilin: he introduced me as, she's a frequent customer!
cs2003: oh gawd
thmilin: and then they head out and i'm like, by
thmilin: *bye
thmilin: and then i linger in the video store all confused
thmilin: for 20 min, don't manage to find anything i want to watch then leave for the laundromat
thmilin: then i get home and try to IM you
cs2003: my god
cs2003: AWWW!!!!
cs2003: *newman*
thmilin: i'm telling you
thmilin: there's more
thmilin: MORE
thmilin: ok so then i debate.
thmilin: do i call him, or not?
cs2003: MORE??
thmilin: yes
cs2003: oh cuz now you have his info
cs2003: crazy
thmilin: so i'm online and i look up yes/no tarot
thmilin: i do tarot readings
thmilin: i'm like, dude.
thmilin: should i not call him ever again
thmilin: should i say, goodbye, farewell, this is weird.
thmilin: or should i try to be his friend?
thmilin: he is weird and crazy
thmilin: but i LIKE him
thmilin: so i was like, what do i do what do i do
thmilin: so i call
thmilin: at 9, which was 2 hrs later
cs2003: k
thmilin: and he answers and he sounds very preoccupied and like he has no idea who i am
thmilin: which he woudln't from my number since it's new
thmilin: and i go, hey it's miriam
thmilin: he goes, hey, what's up
cs2003: k
thmilin: and i go well i'm calling just cuz you said i wouldn't!
thmilin: and he goes, heh
thmilin: and then i say, nah, i just wanted to say that was some weird shit you pulled earlier but no hard feelings. goodbye, have a good night
cs2003: that was witty!
thmilin: he goes, ok
thmilin: and i hang up
thmilin: not really witty ...
thmilin: he basically sounded like he didn't know me or know why i was calling it was very weird
cs2003: k, is this dude bipolar?
thmilin: and the background was very weird
thmilin: i'm telling you
thmilin: there's MOR
thmilin: so i'm like, ok
thmilin: that's it then
thmilin: he's a weird bastard and i hate men
cs2003: severe differences in behavior... in short periods of time ... man there's more
thmilin: yes
thmilin: so i'm chillin on the couch
cs2003: k
thmilin: cuddled under the covers the phone rings an di think it's you
thmilin: but the number looks local and i'm like, huh?
thmilin: so i answer
thmilin: it' shim
thmilin: heey how you doin
thmilin: and i'm like uh ... i called you earlier. and we talked. do you not remember?
thmilin: he's like, well i was at the movies and i couldn't really hear you
thmilin: so i had this number in my cellp hone ...
thmilin: and i go, well you could delete it
thmilin: he goes, do you want me to?
thmilin: (there goes miriam's chance to end it)
thmilin: nah, i say, i just don't want to harass ...
thmilin: and he goes, no no no
cs2003: *OH*!
thmilin: he goes, what'd you say?
thmilin: and i said exactly what i told him earlier
thmilin: and he goes, ooh ... hah
thmilin: and i say, well, it was really strange, with your girl, she didn't look too pleased
thmilin: he goes, no no don't worry she wasn't mad
thmilin: and he asks me what i'm up to and we chat awkwardly and then he goes, hey can i call you at 11:30?
thmilin: i go, why?
thmilin: he goes, nothing, just wonderin ...
thmilin: and i say, yeah that's fine
cs2003: lol, GOOD question
thmilin: so we hang up
thmilin: he calls back at like, 11:45
thmilin: and he goes, sorry i'm late
thmilin: and i'm like, nah it's cool what's up
thmilin: and we chat some more and then he's like what are you doing tomorrow?
thmilin: and i'm like, uh work. and then class.
thmilin: and he's like, well what time?
thmilin: and i say, until like, 8:30
thmilin: and he goes, no i mean in the morning
thmilin: and i say well i head to work at like 9 or 10. no strict deadline
cs2003: ...(wonders where he's going with this)
thmilin: (me too, me too)
thmilin: and he goes, well cuz i'm off tomorrow and i was wondering if you wanna hang out
thmilin: and he says, around jamba or something
thmilin: and i say, well they close at like 9 which is when i'd get back
thmilin: and he goes, well that's why i was asking about the morning
thmilin: and i go well ... i'm heading to work ...
thmilin: and he goes ok well
thmilin: gimme a call sometime if you wanna hang out
thmilin: and i go, ok
thmilin: and we say our goodbyes
thmilin: then, all night, i have on/off dreams about him
thmilin: not sexual
thmilin: but situational
cs2003: yah?
thmilin: and then guess what?
thmilin: phone rings
thmilin: at 8:30 am
thmilin: i could have let it go
cs2003: ....wtf
thmilin: but what'd I do?
thmilin: i got up to go grab it from the living room
thmilin: and answered it
thmilin: an dit's him of course
thmilin: so i'm all croaky
thmilin: but waking up
thmilin: so we're chatting up a storm
thmilin: here is something
cs2003: ?
thmilin: throughout all his phone calls is a running theme
thmilin: he keeps bringing up the fact that i asked him out
thmilin: TECHNICALLY i didn't
cs2003: right
thmilin: i just said, IF YOU WANNA get my digits you can
thmilin: but it's clear he's young and fascinated
cs2003: and anyway, it shouldn't matter
thmilin: he keeps saying he was surprised and flattered
thmilin: exactly
thmilin: cuz he has a girl
thmilin: and so when he brings it up i just go, well, you're cute.
thmilin: and that's all i say.
thmilin: i don't get into it
cs2003: good call
thmilin: so he keeps asking me all these questions
thmilin: about myself and who i am
thmilin: and what i'm interested in
thmilin: and talks about himself and his interests
thmilin: because this is all about friendship right?
thmilin: though 3 phone calls in the space of 12 hrs
thmilin: is either new best friends in kindergarten or somebody is into me
cs2003: this dude's beyond me
thmilin: me too
thmilin: there's more
thmilin: more more more
thmilin: so we're chatting and mentions
thmilin: guess what my gf said like, 2 days ago, 2 days before you walked in?
thmilin: i say, what
cs2003: (I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS ALL HAS HAPPENED!!!)
thmilin: i'm telling you
thmilin: there's more
thmilin: you're going to freak out
thmilin: even more
thmilin: if that's passible
cs2003: omiGOD!
thmilin: *possible
thmilin: he goes, she said, we both need to get laid before we get married.
thmilin: and i say, what? to different people?
thmilin: he goes, yes
thmilin: he says, she said, just once. just once before we get married.
thmilin: and i go, when do you get married? he goes, oct. 28 next year
cs2003: holy fuck
thmilin: and i go, that's smart of her. you guys ARE very young and it's wise to get your rocks off before you ... go the whole way.
thmilin: and then he's like, well she also said if i do it more than once that she doesn't want to know cuz i KNOW her and i know she can't do that sort of thing just once.
thmilin: and i say, well if you do it only once you'll be less likely to form an attachment, which is good cuz you'rea lready IN a relationship, right?
cs2003: don't quite follow that last entry
thmilin: basically he was saying that she said, we can each go off and have a fling ONCE with some random person. but if you cheat and do it more than once i don't want to know about it.
thmilin: and his personal comment was that he knows she's the type to cheat and do it more than once.
cs2003: ok, who are these people!
thmilin: which means it's technically ok for him to do it more than once.
thmilin: hah
cs2003: ok
thmilin: this is not an uncommon thing
thmilin: there's more
thmilin: MORE
cs2003: *EYES POPPING*
cs2003: :-p!!
thmilin: now here's the part where i lied to him and told him i wouldn't tell anybody ever
thmilin: but considering the situation he put me in
thmilin: i'mma tell you
thmilin: if i damn well please
thmilin: i don't take promises lightly
thmilin: but i'm breaking this one
cs2003: hellz yah
thmilin: so the rest was all under pain of death if i told :P
cs2003: cuz to keep this twisted shit all inside...
cs2003: ..ok
thmilin: oh i forgot that while at the video store he made me take off my glasses
cs2003: well i understand it's in confidence
thmilin: supposedly to look at them (he tried them on and was cute with them) and then said, just kidding, i wanted to see what you like like without them
cs2003: really
cs2003: goodness
thmilin: *look like
thmilin: yeah so anyway
thmilin: we're on the phone and he goes
thmilin: well we're talking about ourselvs
thmilin: he's telling me about himself asking me questions about myself
thmilin: and he goes, do you like japanese animation?
thmilin: i say yes
thmilin: he goes I KNEW IT
thmilin: i say, why?
thmilin: he says, it was your glasses
thmilin: i say, NO NO! i've only had these for a year
thmilin: and he goes well i can tell you're very smart and intelligent and ... that you would b eintersted in that sort of thing
thmilin: etc and then he goes, and now that we're going to be friends you can't be shy
thmilin: i say, i am anything but shy
thmilin: i go, look i'm 90% not and ...
thmilin: he goes, 10% very shy
thmilin: i say, it's not that i'm shy it's that i'm trying to respect your situation
thmilin: he goes, my situation?
thmilin: i said, YOUR GIRL
thmilin: he goes, i understand
cs2003: lol this is crazy
thmilin: it is so crazy
thmilin: and then we're chatting and he goes, can i tell you something very personal? you can't tell anyone else?
thmilin: and i go, yes
thmilin: he goes, swear
thmilin: and i do
thmilin: then he goes, "i've been wondering what you looked like naked since you walked in the door."
thmilin: and i go, um, very bad. what i meant was, i look bad naked.
thmilin: he goes, i know i know, bad, very bad, i shoudln't have told you
thmilin: i go, no, not that.
cs2003: wow that he asked that
thmilin: i said, i reciprocate and it's good to know that i wasn't totally wrong
cs2003: and girl, don't be sellin urself short!! Ms Gorgeous skin!
thmilin: pfft
thmilin: and he goes why would you have been wrong?
thmilin: i say, CUZ! you're taken!
thmilin: earlier he'd said something about how he gets pretty crazy at work and puts on shows
thmilin: so i go, and it was just a show and i had it wrong
cs2003: ok
thmilin: so now obviously there's a different story going on
thmilin: show or not, do you hug a girl, present her smoothie, take her hand and flirt like mad?
thmilin: if it's just a show and you have a girl you love and are getting married to?
thmilin: anyway
thmilin: so i say, it' sgood to know your interest is reciprocated
thmilin: he goes, i'm just so surprised, no one ever asks me out, i usually do that
thmilin: and i say, i told you i wasn't shy, hello?
thmilin: and i say, and obviously you have a fascination with why i asked you out
thmilin: and he goes, why DID you ask me out?
cs2003: right
thmilin: and i go, dude.
thmilin: i said you were cute. that's why.
cs2003: lol... here we go
thmilin: it gets crazier
thmilin: so we're talkign about video games
thmilin: and he was like, well we should play one sometime
thmilin: (hah!)
thmilin: anyway so the real meat of the story is of course the sexual talk
thmilin: so we'reon my asking him out and stuff
thmilin: and i go, and along with this fascination for why i asked you out there is also the hinting, about whether i'm going to be the girl you get with before you get married.
thmilin: and he goes, well i wouldn't askyou that, i can already tell you'll say no ...
thmilin: and i say, i didn't say that.
thmilin: and he goes, what?
thmilin: i said, there's a reason i asked you out. circumstances make it difficult ... and my health right now ... means i can't get physical with anyone anyway. but if i could ... i would.
thmilin: he goes, what do you mean if you could?
cs2003: wow, good for you to just SAY it!
thmilin: i said, right now i'm healing from a surgery and to ... get physical ... would be painful ... difficult.
thmilin: not that i had surgery THERE it's on my lower back
thmilin: and i'm still healing
thmilin: and he goes, OOOH.
thmilin: OOOH.
thmilin: i can't believe you ...
thmilin: so he's all thrilled and excited
thmilin: and of course we've crossed some barrier
thmilin: so he goes, can i ask you another personal question?
thmilin: i promise, i promise it's my last one
thmilin: i say, you can ask me as many personal questions as you like because you know it won't be your last and you'll keep asking them.
cs2003: right
thmilin: and he goes .... i kid you not: do you have big nipples?
thmilin: and i laugh i'm like, uh ... i don't know
thmilin: he goes, what do you mean you don't know?
thmilin: i go, well it's not like i walk around gauging their size ... or comparing them to others
thmilin: and he goes, well my ex ... years ago ... said i was uh ... very well endowed in the uh ... region
thmilin: and i go, you measured, don't lie.
thmilin: i LOVE THIS about men - that's a tip. they MEASURE they're dicks.
cs2003: lol
cs2003: NO WAY
thmilin: they DO. if a guy told you he didn't he's lying and if he really didn't then he's a freak.
thmilin: so he goes, yeah i totally did, i'm 8 and a half
thmilin: and if i'm really excited ... 9
thmilin: and i go, have you had sex with your current gf?
thmilin: and he all of a sudden turns very sexy and goes, yeeeees?
thmilin: and then i go, well she's a very lucky girl
thmilin: oh he also brought up that the dude from Kiss with the long tongue is his 3rd cousin
thmilin: and that he has a very long tongue
cs2003: oh boy
thmilin: it is so clear this boy wants to do me
cs2003: yah
thmilin: and i'im just playing with him taking it slow
thmilin: cuz if i DO get involved
thmilin: rules have to be established
thmilin: MY rules
cs2003: so at least your perception of this dude was accurate at the start
thmilin: and i'm not sure if i completely believe him about his girlfriend
cs2003: that he was into you!
thmilin: what, that he's crazy?
thmilin: yeah, that's true
thmilin: i'm not sure if she really gave him authorization
thmilin: to have an affair
cs2003: yah, i can't relate to that
cs2003: um, honey, i love you... go fuck another woman before we marry
thmilin: well anyway so he's like, well there are other things ... we could do, we don't have to do ... the full thing
thmilin: exactly
cs2003: ... don't think that'd come out of my mouth
thmilin: but the other thing is in this society marrying so young is so foolish
thmilin: i think she knows, or seems to know
cs2003: no kidding
thmilin: that they are not likely to last
thmilin: so she may be testing him, who knows
thmilin: but basically to him i was like look, better for you to cheat now than when you're married
thmilin: so i have all these pros and cons in my head i'm not sure what i'm going to do
thmilin: but anyway so we're talking and i'm like, i have to go get ready for work
thmilin: he's like, noooo
thmilin: and i'm like, yeees
thmilin: then we chat a little more then he's like, i gotta head out too
thmilin: and i say ok, later
cs2003: he's attached
thmilin: he goes, hey! don't be a stranger.
thmilin: yes
thmilin: but see once he gets the punani he coudl stop being attached
cs2003: maybe
cs2003: i have no gauge on this dude
thmilin: i think ...
cs2003: he is off the radar screen for me!
thmilin: wait so we closed on him saying there are other things we can do etc
thmilin: and i go, well how about this
thmilin: i'm going to get ready for work and spend the day fantasizing about that
thmilin: and you go do what you gotta do
thmilin: and i'll call you later in the week?
thmilin: and he goes, fantastic
cs2003: way to be in charge!
thmilin: so we say goodbyes and i'm starting to get ready for work and the phone rings
thmilin: hah
cs2003: 4th call?
thmilin: it's him ... again
thmilin: yes
thmilin: it's like 9:45
thmilin: and i go, hello?
cs2003: *shake head at this boy*
thmilin: i'm telling you
thmilin: and he goes, hey how do you say your name again?
thmilin: i go, mihreeum
thmilin: and i go, spell it
thmilin: he keeps getting it wrong and finally gets it right
thmilin: and i'm like, there you go
thmilin: he goes i just wanted to get that right. actually i just wanted to hear your voice again.
cs2003: ooo, splash
thmilin: ?
thmilin: splash?
cs2003: your sexier than hell voice
thmilin: hahaha
thmilin: i have yet to tell him about the voice acting
cs2003: oh.. splash = wet in the panties when a guy does/says something to provoke that
thmilin: oh yes
thmilin: so i laugh warmly and i go, ok, thank you
thmilin: and then he goes, so really. gimme a call. any time. any time you wanna talk or anything.
thmilin: very sincere, very earnest
thmilin: an di go, are you sure?
thmilin: he goes, YES.
thmilin: and i go, ok.
thmilin: goodbyes are said
thmilin: i go get ready
cs2003: wow
cs2003: *shaking head*
thmilin: at 10:30 i come out to pick up my phone and head out and there's another call
thmilin: he didn't leave a messg but he called again while i was in the shower
cs2003: THERE'S MORE
thmilin: no
cs2003: jeez
thmilin: there's no more
thmilin: but that one additional call
cs2003: ok
cs2003: WHY was I not here when you called or IMed
thmilin: i know
thmilin: :(
thmilin: so i dunno
cs2003: yah?
thmilin: did destiny not want me to call him and i fucked up by doing so?
cs2003: OHHHHH!!!!
cs2003: *hands up in the air*
thmilin: am i gonna be a homewrecker?
cs2003: i don't think so
thmilin: is a fling ok?
thmilin: the pros and cons
thmilin: i don't think i'm really in a place right now to be fully dedicated to a relationship anyway
cs2003: right
thmilin: so a fling would not be so bad
thmilin: then again he's a complete stranger
thmilin: and all this is very fast
cs2003: if you hooked up with him, would you develop feelings for him?
thmilin: he could be a liar, he could be diseased, etc
thmilin: yes
thmilin: that too
cs2003: yah, find out if he's been tested
thmilin: thing is i am very good at not showing my feelings even if i did develop
cs2003: but you know your feelings, right?
thmilin: i want to be with him
thmilin: but i don't know if that's just lust
thmilin: i think it is
thmilin: lust and the excitement of something new and untraversed
cs2003: yah, i would guess lust
thmilin: my horoscope is very telling
cs2003: and someone who is - for a guy - good about being open
cs2003: with his wants... his wanting u
cs2003: what was the magical date again?
cs2003: november ..?
thmilin: date?
thmilin: the day it happened?
thmilin: this thing?
thmilin: last night
cs2003: no
cs2003: your horoscope
thmilin: oh
thmilin: hold on
cs2003: k
thmilin: it had something very interesting that coincides with this
cs2003: ok
thmilin: well this isn't the one but: Weigh the pros and cons. No one is perfect if you can get past some of the flaws you see in a possible partner you will have a great time. You will attract someone who is exciting, adventuresome and very generous.
thmilin: for yesterday: Your imagination stimulates you. Expect many episodes of staring dreamily or being unable to meet someone's gaze. Once you speak about the possibility of romance, talking about the unlikely could bring it closer to happening.
cs2003: WHOA
cs2003: both dead on
thmilin: dammit
thmilin: i can't find the crazy one
thmilin: ok there's this one that's like, you can have anyone you want right now but don't underestimate your powers. you may get very annoyed by the end of the week by someone but don't get out of hand, especially if you encouraged them initially.
thmilin: something like that.
cs2003: ok
thmilin: AHA
thmilin: here it is. it's for next week though.
thmilin: Don't underestimate the effect that you can have on people. You might flirt up a storm with someone, just because you think they're cute although you don't really expect it to lead anywhere. Later in the week, though, the situation may become very complicated. A formerly pleasant distraction may turn into an annoyance. Don't get too testy, especially if you were the one that encouraged it in the first place. Over the weekend, you may want to take a realistic survey of your personal life. If you want a relationship to work, you've got to treat your significant other with the same consideration you treat your friends and family.
cs2003: hence your qualms about letting this guy in..
cs2003: reading..
cs2003: i see the parallels
thmilin: dunno what to do
thmilin: i do want to make out with him
thmilin: i know that much
thmilin: he's not getting my punani
cs2003: see
cs2003: you know to be in control
thmilin: i brought up my physical health and i was like, i am not at my optimal state right now, i gained a whole lot of weight and am dealing with this surgery
thmilin: and he goes, i think you look fine just the way you are
cs2003: he'll take what you give him... you decide what exactly what you want, how comfy you feel, and then you go for it
thmilin: note - he likes big girls. his girl is plumper and shorter than me.
cs2003: seee??
thmilin: yes, i intend to maintain control and he can take what i give him or say sionara
cs2003: yep
thmilin: crazy
cs2003: you're leagues ahead of me in this realm
thmilin: not really man
cs2003: have faith in ur intuition
thmilin: i am good at dancing away and being very careful outwardly with my emotions but it can also mean that i don't take risks, emotionally or situationally
thmilin: then again im like, is THIS the risk to take? is this stupid?
thmilin: i just don't want to regret making a mistake later
cs2003: i so feel u there
cs2003: no regrets!
thmilin: so what i may do is make him hang out with me in public
cs2003: k
thmilin: well the mistake being that like i get it on with him and he turns out to be crazy or something
thmilin: in a bad way
thmilin: i mentioned to him more than once that i like the odd ones
thmilin: he was like do you watch third rock from the sun? who's your fav character?
thmilin: i'm like, mm, french stewart
thmilin: and he got all excited and happy
thmilin: but i'm not sure i'd feel safe alone with him in my house yet
cs2003: k
cs2003: listen to that gut feeling
thmilin: wellt he reason being that he'd try to get it on
thmilin: and i am very weak
thmilin: when it comes to sex
cs2003: if you don't feel totally comfortable, there's always time
thmilin: yep
thmilin: i just met him and i don't want to be nibbling on his ... bidness
thmilin: week one
cs2003: that's good to know about yourself
cs2003: right
cs2003: no need for an STD out of a fling
thmilin: exactly
thmilin: so
thmilin: the next time we talk face to face i ask him two questions
thmilin: 1) don't ever lie to me. from that, did your girlfriend REALLY authorize you both to go out and have a fling that allows you more than one encounter?
thmilin: and 2) have you been tested or ever had an STD
thmilin: i'm going to see if he calls me again today
thmilin: i think i need to tell him to stop calling so often
cs2003: don't be shy about asking for proof for #2, too
thmilin: what if he hasn't been?
thmilin: tested?
cs2003: oh yah? not diggin the frequent calls?
thmilin: wellt hey're cute
thmilin: but i mean
cs2003: then it's a no go
thmilin: come on
thmilin: it' seasy and cheap to get tested? quick?
cs2003: thinkin of the SATC episode where Sam couldn't hook up with the swing sex guy until she got tested
thmilin: i have a feeling he hasn't been. then again I couldn't.
thmilin: i know
thmilin: i remember tha tone
cs2003: i don't know what his health care is, but not ur problem.. he'll get it taken care of if he has respect for you and your body
thmilin: good
thmilin: well that means i need to get tested too, eh?
thmilin: in fairness
cs2003: yah, mos def
thmilin: where do we get such things done
thmilin: i don't want to ask my doc
cs2003: i got it done at vaden.
thmilin: it'd be weird
thmilin: where's that
thmilin: how much was it?
cs2003: oh, it's the old Cowell
cs2003: it was covered in Cardinal Care
cs2003: i can't remember
cs2003: 40?
thmilin: ah
thmilin: ok
thmilin: i'm kinda broke
thmilin: heh
thmilin: but next payda
thmilin: y
cs2003: k
cs2003: for a good cause :)
thmilin: hah
cs2003: *sigh* wow girl
thmilin: iv'e been really lucky until now
cs2003: what a night and morning you've had
thmilin: i'm telling you
thmilin: did your tests do it all at once?
thmilin: HIV + STD?
cs2003: i got just the STD
cs2003: the HIV is good toget.... it involves drawing blood tho
cs2003: at the time, i didn't wanna go for that
thmilin: they can test for STD without blood?
cs2003: yah
thmilin: what do they do to tell then?
cs2003: it's like a pap
thmilin: oh my god
cs2003: maybe you don't want to do that... maybe bloodwork only
thmilin: ye
thmilin: s
cs2003: i don't know there may be other ways of doing it
thmilin: i feel like i can't do it properly yet and won't have the credentials if i'm like, YOU have to do it but i haven't
cs2003: not at all
thmilin: i haven't had a pap yet
cs2003: well
cs2003: ok
cs2003: hmm
thmilin: i haven't been sexually active so i was like, i'll wait till i heal up
thmilin: being in the stirrups hurts and all etc
cs2003: right
thmilin: i was waiting til i was healed
cs2003: well if you're just going to do oral stuff... it's ur call
thmilin: but you can still get STDs orally
cs2003: if you both are careful, maybe he should still get tested but not u
cs2003: i know
thmilin: right
thmilin: i'd be like, there are things i'm willing to do for you but you gotta get tested
cs2003: just depends where things are goin :-p
thmilin: he's not going to be doing them to me
thmilin: yeah i don't intend to let him get anywhere near the punani
cs2003: right
thmilin: literally
thmilin: no hands on it
thmilin: no mouth on it
thmilin: nothing in it
thmilin: etc
cs2003: right, ok, so he should get tested, u don't have to
thmilin: k
cs2003: u know guys... the motivation's there, they'll be willing to get that test
thmilin: that's true
thmilin: one of his personal questions - are you a freak?
thmilin: hah
cs2003: just make sure he shows you the papers!
thmilin: right
cs2003: he asked u that?
thmilin: yes
thmilin: lol
cs2003: he's fantasizing
thmilin: yep
cs2003: :-p
thmilin: well the big nipples
thmilin: come on
cs2003: yah
thmilin: i'm like, this isn't just about you using me
thmilin: and having your way with me
thmilin: i'm telling you
thmilin: i should be SO offended by him
thmilin: and have no problem saying, go to hell!
thmilin: this is like adam
thmilin: the mechanic
cs2003: unless you find him attracted
thmilin: that's the problem
cs2003: i mean attractive*
thmilin: chemistry, boing boing
cs2003: well, attracted is a must, of course
cs2003: yah
thmilin: we have very active random conversation
thmilin: because he has a girl and i don't owe him anything or really care
thmilin: i find it easier to be myself
cs2003: right
cs2003: i'm really happy for you there.. impressed at how honest you are being with him
cs2003: calling him on shit and everything
cs2003: *sigh* oh girl
cs2003: men men men
thmilin: hah
thmilin: i called him on shit?
cs2003: yah, repeatedly
cs2003: his g/f
cs2003: his g/f
thmilin: oh
thmilin: hahah
thmilin: yeah i won't stop bringing that up
cs2003: that's good
thmilin: i just can't tell
thmilin: what's going to happen
thmilin: is he going to be infatuated, get his rocks off, disappear, be awkward and sionara
thmilin: i she going to stay infatuated, want to keep knowing me, complicate things with his gf
thmilin: is he going to be a stalker
thmilin: is he going to remain a pleasant friend
cs2003: yah
cs2003: legitimate questions
thmilin: he showed interest in going out to party with me and friends
thmilin: that his gf was like, we need to enjoy being single before we get married
thmilin: and he's like, i am so game
cs2003: it's smart of you to want to be with him in public for a while first
thmilin: yes
thmilin: at my apartment is not smart
cs2003: right
cs2003: right-o
thmilin: but basically i'd be like his mistress
thmilin: strange
thmilin: you imagine being that for an older ma
cs2003: very strange
thmilin: n
thmilin: a married older man
thmilin: but he's YOUNGER than me
cs2003: right
thmilin: he's 20
thmilin: girl
cs2003: take a deep breath
cs2003: i don't know what to make of this guy
thmilin: yeah
thmilin: me either
thmilin: i guess that's why i like him
cs2003: i say stay true to those nice videos you got in your room...
cs2003: and take it slow with him
cs2003: yah, i hear that
thmilin: yep
thmilin: you right you right
cs2003: :)
cs2003: damn, to have a guy who's like 'my dick is at your service' right there ... i admit! tempting
thmilin: heheh
thmilin: i know
thmilin: iw as thinking of you like
thmilin: my biological clock is ticking too!
cs2003: YAH!
thmilin: basically since he called me this morning
thmilin: if you think of yoruself in stages of arousal
thmilin: with 100% being in sex mode
thmilin: during and after his call
cs2003: k
thmilin: i was on 50%
cs2003: nice
thmilin: i walk around on 25%
cs2003: lol
cs2003: you are a sexual woman, way to be, own your womanness
thmilin: heheh
cs2003: i love being a woman
thmilin: thanks so much for listening to me and helping
cs2003: oh man, so glad to
cs2003: always girl
cs2003: it's so nice i can tell you anything, too!
cs2003: appreciate that very much
thmilin: ditto baby
thmilin: i literally had NO one to tell this story in its entirety but you
cs2003: k, speaking of being able to tell you anything...
cs2003: awww!
thmilin: i told peeps up to the point of the gf in the video store
thmilin: but had to stop there
thmilin: VIRGO & LIBRA: Libra's extravagant, indecisive nature bothers you; however, Libra's charm can normally melt your critical tongue. Not likely to be lasting but it can be passionate while it lasts.
thmilin: i'm not extravagant or indecisive
thmilin: weord
thmilin: well i can be indecisive
cs2003: reading..
thmilin: hehe
thmilin: VIRGO MALE
You have a great curiosity about women. These fine creatures are something for you to experiment with, examine and cater to. As for sex, you feel that it is an experience that should not be overlooked, providing you have the time and the desire. You are interested in anything that will further your career. You are always interested in how much money your partner can make and in turn what they do with it, as you find waste to be sinful. You can come across as a father figure if your mate lets you become overprotective. You will only propose or get into a committed partnership after a respectable length of time and only when you are one hundred percent sure that the relationship will be lasting. You need to feel that your mate will enhance and support your career and make your home a clean place of comfort. You offer security, reliability and faithfulness.

cs2003: k, the commentary on libra toward virgo is SO not you
cs2003: reading next one..
thmilin: LIBRA & VIRGO: No Way! The practical Virgoan will never satisfy your desires. You're better not to pursue this partner for any kind of a long-term commitment.
cs2003: no way
cs2003: serious about the last entry?
cs2003: obviously, he's not fitting the VIRGO MALE profile
thmilin: well
thmilin: the bit about marriage and proposal may be true. he may have been withhis woman a really long time before proposing and is really sure he's gonna marry her.
thmilin: but wants to have a fling beforehand
thmilin: because the first part - very curious about women, experiment, examine, cater... sex ...
cs2003: yah... that definitely fits
cs2003: just the end part stuck out in my memory
thmilin: now, here's the thing. there are the general descriptions and then the unique descriptions that match your sign
thmilin: he doesn't offer security/reliability and faithfulness to ME
thmilin: to HER maybe
thmilin: so, i have some aspects of scorpio that mark my sexuality and love profile
cs2003: questionable at that even in my eyes
cs2003: ohhh ok
thmilin: you right
thmilin: basically my coworker was like, my venus (where venus was when i was born) is in scorpio
thmilin: which means i will love like a venus. i am very much a libra - all charm
thmilin: but librans can be seen as flighty and superficial, my personal location of planets on the day/time of my birth tweak that definition.
cs2003: ok
thmilin: *love like a scorpio
cs2003: wooow
cs2003: cool
thmilin: all this to say, i am very intense about sex and the bedroom
thmilin: my coworker said that i would probably recognize my true love at first sight
thmilin: and that he would be a very powerful presense
thmilin: to match my own
thmilin: this is true, cuz that's what i need, a very powerful, formidable man
thmilin: that i can respect
thmilin: and who can make me explode in bed
thmilin: anyway
cs2003: YAH
thmilin: if you match virgo male to scorpio ...
cs2003: k..
thmilin: VIRGO & SCORPIO: This is an interesting match. If the Scorpion can tempt you into sexual encounters that are exotic, the end result will be fireworks.
thmilin: (me as the scorpio)
cs2003: phew
thmilin: SCORPIO & VIRGO: The Virgoan has difficulties with your sexual leanings. You will bore easily and move on to more passionate partners.
thmilin: obviously he's not the typical virgo either tho probably
thmilin: i didn't get a very good read cuz i don't have his time of birth or full name
thmilin: obviously he WANTS a freak
thmilin: and something kinky
cs2003: yah
thmilin: he mentioned an ex tried hot candle wax and it didn't work out
thmilin: i think what i like most about all this
thmilin: is the one statement - the moment you walked in the door i wondered what you looked like naked
thmilin: hah!
cs2003: mmmmmm hmmmm :)
cs2003: and that he called cuz he wanted to hear your voice
thmilin: heh
thmilin: oh yeah
cs2003: that feels so good...
thmilin: i'm pretty bad about being moved by things unless they're sexual
thmilin: i told him i work like a man in lots of ways
thmilin: i was raised by them, i get along better with them
thmilin: basically
cs2003: that's a good quality to have
cs2003: so you think he'll obey your request to not call, that you'll call him?
thmilin: well id o want him to call just not as often
thmilin: but we'll see if he tapers off
thmilin: i like being in control, kinda fun
thmilin: anyway so i was saying about the being like a dude
thmilin: is that i don't get as moved as i could by flattery or interest in me
cs2003: yah
thmilin: it's pleasant but it doesn't make me forget myself
cs2003: that's a safety then
thmilin: which makes me make mistakes sometimes, like, if i had been more open i might have experienced more, lasted longer, etc
thmilin: well a safety mechanism that can limit me
thmilin: if i rely too much on it
thmilin: so i'm trying to find the balance
thmilin: how much do i open myself
thmilin: and how much do i keep myself carefully closed
thmilin: ?
cs2003: i c
cs2003: i know a guy you'd find yummy who lives here in roble..
thmilin: uhoh
thmilin: age?
cs2003: kinda like adam
cs2003: freshman
cs2003: so young!
cs2003: curls are delish
cs2003: dirty brown/blonde
cs2003: brown eyes
cs2003: real real tall
thmilin: yum
thmilin: mmm
cs2003: but lanky
thmilin: tall
thmilin: i like em thick
cs2003: not skinny
thmilin: jack is thick
cs2003: but not thick like u like em
thmilin: he hugged on me twice tho
thmilin: an dhe felt good
cs2003: oh man
thmilin: hugging at your doors in the hall
thmilin: y'all need to get it on
thmilin: at least a hot makeout session
cs2003: i know
thmilin: tomorrow's horoscope: All eyes are on you or at least the only eyes that matter. Breaking someone's heart now wouldn't look or feel so good. If you were wrong, admit it. However, you deserve to be with someone who's right for you. It should work out.
thmilin: what does it mean?
cs2003: hmm..
cs2003: well the only guy is jamba jack, right?
thmilin: yeah
thmilin: or nic
thmilin: who doesn't really count
cs2003: right
thmilin: or adam the mechanic who i haven't talked to in a couple months
cs2003: right
thmilin: the however part
thmilin: is what's confusing
thmilin: it's like, kiss and make up, but then it's like, BUT....
thmilin: and then it says it'll work out
thmilin: confusing
cs2003: yah
cs2003: it's cryptic to m
cs2003: me*
thmilin: work out how?i don't wanna steal someone from their gf
thmilin: don't wanna be a homewrecker
cs2003: i know..
thmilin: don't know what to do man
thmilin: but at least you got your frosh at your party this week
cs2003: maybe journaling online would help u?
thmilin: i don't even know what to write
thmilin: maybe i should post this whoel convo
thmilin: with only the relevant parts
thmilin: not your bidness
cs2003: hmm, i don't know, like what you think of him being intimate with you
thmilin: ah
cs2003: how comfy u are with him, how much u trust his words
thmilin: i am always cautious with trust
thmilin: it took a month before the mechanic made a move on me
thmilin: i want to do all sorts of things to him
cs2003: to jack?
thmilin: yes
thmilin: he also makes me laugh
thmilin: a dangerous combo
thmilin: he handed me his phone number and it looked like crazy person writing
cs2003: :-p
thmilin: i go, "um, this is the writing of a serial killer"
thmilin: and he goes, what? i don't do that ... any more.
thmilin: tells me he grew up surfing
cs2003: oh damn
cs2003: that's hot
thmilin: yes
thmilin: went every other day
thmilin: got on the bus with his board
thmilin: that explains his body
thmilin: i wish he had his hair
thmilin: that's a key aspect for me
cs2003: for me too!
thmilin: i need to tug and grab on something
thmilin: and run my fingers through
thmilin: where are you?
thmilin: work/hone?
thmilin: *home
cs2003: i soooo agree
cs2003: home
cs2003: headed off to workplace soon tho... not to work but to print this paper
thmilin: ah
thmilin: there's no lab in the dorm?
thmilin: to print?
thmilin: nerve.com (sexy horoscopes): No pressure, dude, but if you're wishy-washy and indecisive for much longer, you're going to be stuck with a brand new decision: Die alone, or die surrounded by your seven devoted cats. So strap one on and pick someone already.
cs2003: omigod!
thmilin: hahahah
cs2003: i just checked out that web site for the first time today!
cs2003: how trippy is that
cs2003: are you a subscriber?
thmilin: no but i used to use their personals
thmilin: i like them
thmilin: i tried submitting writing to them but they no want :P
thmilin: been visiting them off and on since sophomore year
cs2003: cool!
cs2003: my prof said to check out Alicia Eyrian (sp?) cuz she wrote a series on there about breaking up with her b/f
thmilin: hah
thmilin: your prof, eh?
thmilin: heheheh
thmilin: i have an urge to message mr. man
thmilin: about meeting up thurs night
cs2003: what's thurs night?
thmilin: i have class and then i'm free
cs2003: or that's just a free night
cs2003: i c
cs2003: i'm gonna head off soon, but ur gonna have to fill me in on how class is goin, girl
thmilin: yesm
thmilin: will do!
thmilin: have a good one girl!

cs2003: good luck with this new young man
cs2003: ok, tx so much Miriam
cs2003: you kick ass, for sure!
thmilin: hah, as do you
cs2003: ttys! bye :)
thmilin: thanks ;)
thmilin: we'll see
thmilin: (i'm a homewrecker, i'm a mistress ... AAAH!)
thmilin: later gater
cs2003: no you're not!!!!
thmilin: i am i am
cs2003: don't have that mentality
thmilin: my horoscope is suggesting that all may not go as planned this week
cs2003: wanna say more but gotta run!
thmilin: k
thmilin: later
cs2003: bye