Al Eingang thanks me for ordering porn

So, I ordered some porn. Then, the porn maker (well, he's an independent and he's one of like, the only 3 dudes filming themselves sucking their own cocks) emails me to thank me and ask if I'd be willing to tell him why I bought it. Apparently women rarely order his stuff, and, he had one woman earlier this week, so it's all thrilling.

I recognize that only men would be expected to order a DVD of a dude sucking himself thoroughly to completion, in various nasty yummy ways, but I assure you, if women love sucking cock too, this shouldn't be too surprising.

Anyhoo, very bottom is his email, and immediately above it, my response.


--------------

From: Miriam M. Wynn
Date: Aug 23, 2006 10:59 PM
Subject: Re: Online transaction receipt
To: Al Eingang <al@solosuck.com>

Hi Al,

Wow, personalized service! How do you know I'm a woman? Miriam couldbe male! Just kidding ...

Ok, how I got to your site, why I chose to buy ... a bit roundabout,but explores sexuality basically. Below I get into detail ... ;)

So, there's an argument floating around that starts with the(heterosexual) male appreciation of the sight of two women havingsex/enjoying each other. The heterosexual male is sexually aroused bythe sight of one female and the sight of two multiplies the pleasurehe feels.

Reverse it - it is therefore perfectly natural that a heterosexualfemale would feel the exact same thing for the sight of two mentogether. Women are getting more comfortable with sharing that on theweb and in magazines, etc. Not only exploring that huge appreciationfor the male body, but the male body with itself ... the male bodyeven BY itself.

Now, I have a strong appreciation for sex in many many forms. Iconsider myself heterosexual but appreciate the sight of two mentogether, two women together, a man and woman together, group sex,etc. And then of course there are dozens of play variations which I'mstill exploring. It led to me purchasing lots and lots of porn on moremainstream sites, some of which include gay porn.

From this, I discovered a real trigger with the sight of a manejaculating but not in the typical "squirt on someone's face and moana little" fashion. The mainstream, boring way, is that the persondoing the blow job does all this work, the receiving guy jacks off abit. Then, bam, the "money shot" but it's not at all emotional orpsychological. So, that makes it distasteful to me and boring and evena little disrespectful (to the giver).

But sometimes in porn, straight or gay, I've found some really intenseshots of a man coming in whatever fashion (hetero, gay, anal, oral,whatever) where he's experiencing something so strong he's forced toreally lose himself. That's what men get off on in hetero, maledominated porn featuring women as sex objects. That's what I get offon if I can catch it, in the reverse. We're used to men pummellingwomen into wild orgasms; the reverse drives me absolutely crazy when Isee it.

In particular if the exploration of the penis is really reallythorough (rather than basic pumping, gagging, quick ejaculation),where it's really played with and the person playing with the penis isgetting off on pleasuring the receiver, and the receiver is so out ofhis mind he makes noises or body language, etc., that show he is doingmore than the basic pump and shoot - but is truly beside himself withpleasure.

Somehow along the way with all the porn, I came across someautofellatio link and found your site. I actually found it months ago. I'm a bit addicted to porn, and get bored easily, so I own a lot andskip around scenes a lot trying to find the things that get to me.Some key sequences with men, as I've described above, got to me. I began thinking I should just buy one of your videos because somepieces of what I saw turned me on.

I have to admit that I looked at more mainstream sites first. I'm a girl, I like things pretty and shiny - packaging, presentation, filmquality, all that. But, the other sites didn't have convincing scenesthat seemed to match how thoroughly you give yourself over to the act- the clips on your site make it clear how much you love the taste ofyour own come and your own body, and that you're willing and able toexplore it thoroughly. Competing videos make a big fuss that someoneis sucking on themselves but from their clips I only see men workinghard to barely pass their own tips. Not enough for me. :)

And, what you can do is rare, so, I just rooted around your pics andreviews to get what looked like the most "sure bet."

The sight of a man truly enjoying himself, whose emotive and truly intouch with his body is a sight to behold - it's powerful enough tomake a woman or a man lose it. Just as the reverse is true (a manlosing it at the sight of a woman losing it for him, or not even that,just for herself).

So, I look forward to seeing your DVD when it gets here! If you'rewondering why I wrote so much or am so free with all this sex talk, Ihave an erotic story website, so I'm used to talking dirty. ;)

Cheers,
Miriam

--
Miriam M. Wynnhttp://www.worderotic.com


On 8/23/06, Al Eingang <al@solosuck.com> wrote:

Hi Miriam,

Thank you very much for your order! I don't get many orders from women and this is my second this week - it's great! I should be able to put your DVD in the mail tomorrow, so you'll probably have it by Monday or Tuesday. I'm always interested to hear how people find out about my videos and my Website, so if you have a minute to let me know, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks!

Al Eingang

fall 2006 update

irony how i return every year or so to post ... heheh. the danger in a blog is you treat it like a journal yet it's visible. you want to share everything then realize there's potential trouble in sharing everything. it also requires committment to keep posting somewhere on yourself. i like to talk but sheesh.

anyway. as of fall 2006 i remain:

- single
- back up to 248 lbs or something
- horny
- some of my stock's been cashed in
- i bought a condo that still hasn't been completed (july 2005)
- i have a new mazda 6 hatchback
- my sister turned 18 and moved away from home and is supposed to go to Univ of Hawaii
- my status (or lack there of) with men:

a) n: he's moving to india with his 1+ yr girlfriend. we flirt but that's about it. according to my psychic tarot reading, he wants me sexually but has an inherent aversion to me or my attitude. he feels i'm arrogant/stuck up. according to "Spirit," something i said or did to him once contributed to this and he can't let it go/stop the grudge.

i distinctly remember telling him "i don't like what's easy." at the time, he was playing around with 2 coworkers that i knew of, and later i learned there was a 3rd. he probably thought i meant i like a challenge if i pursue a guy. that i saw him as easy to get and therefore didn't want him. it was more complicated than that.

what i really meant was, "i don't date or sleep with sluts." of course if i'd said that he might have screamed in outrage and slapped me.

while all males are sluts, some are looser than others. a man who insists he isn't sleeping around with anyone yet goes back to his bedroom with a clearly possessive girl and invites you back to the room with them is probably a slut.

then he displayed a remarkable ability to remain faithful to his gf for over a year. then again he flirted with me while doing so. sloppy. every time we're in a room together his eyes are on me like he wants me to make a pass at him and risk the wrath of his woman and the gods. silly git.

i want to bang him once and then be done with it. there is always chemistry. the issue is, i don't want sex, i want love. and he probably doesn't have it. that's also what i meant by not wanting something "easy." sex is easy. love is not.

b) jamba jack: showed up on my doorstep at the beginning of the year. i was fairly shocked, yet not. why should i be surprised someone so ADD and clueless would not gather how very through i was with him when i dumped him at the corner of El Camino and Los Padres by the bus stop, and hightailed it without waving goodbye or showing up at the place he worked at for another TWO YEARS?

he announced he had a new car (purchased for him by his uncle - for being such a good responsible boy). he still isn't married to the fiance he cheated on with me. he now works at some foundry/industry place in my town, neary my place. he figured he could stop by after work with his own vehicle and BANG ME ON THE WAY HOME. i expressed reservations. he insisted she could never find out.

he whined, "you did it before, why not now?"

i responded, "not with the likes of you." i said it fairly calmly, no anger or resentment, just the way you'd say "no, i don't think so" to a stranger rolling up in their car and asking you if you'd like to get in. no, and why i should i? what on earth would make you think i'd do it?

of course, i DID do it before. i learned my lesson. no matter how hard up i am, a creature like that is just so no worth it. plus, he had a big schlong. it hurt. i don't want to repeat the trauma.

c) josh the FL lawyer: yeah so i've never met him, but the voicemail he left me to set up our first phone call about my condo purchase, and the phone call that ensued, made me soak my panties. we send occasional emails via his work address that remain utterly platonic. but we both, via
email, acknowledged that we were terribly impressed by each other's voices.

his voice makes my eardrum melt along with everything else. i've never had that instantaneous an aural reaction to a man's voice before. i've you know, shivered with enjoyment or like, purred with pleasure when listening to the voice of a man i just like (aka, Vin Diesel) but, never just gotten wet.

alas, when we see each other, we'll probably be deeply disgusted. oh well.

d) evalencia, the shipping/receiving boy, moved to facilities. i changed my mind about him, he's an arrogant, creepy cad. ech. he played the "i don't see you" game when i passed him in a hall (when people do that shit and know i'm right there i stop bothering with engaging with them if i can help it). then he turned around and added me on myspace. where he apparently hunts for youngish girls in the area. ew.

spring 2005 update

update:

3/2004, 10/2004: major pilonidal cyst surgeries, no full recovery
9/2004 - Google goes IPO; i get some stock mula.
2/2005: got a talent agent (Joan Spangler, looktalent.com)
3/2005: bismarck lepe aka "blehpeh", with no warning and no prep, randomly asked me out on IM and is too arrogant for his own good. told him he needed humbling and how i couldn't stand him when i first met him; he apparently expected me to chase and wheedle him into having a good time - and anyone who needs convincing to spend time with me or have fun in general is um, not worth spending time on. he spent a lot of initial time trying to convince me he's fascinating but then never really did anything fascinating. and of course, didn't properly court me or make an effort to figure ME out. heh. mexican-european dude, not particularly hot, looks older than he is, has a thing for women with power, on a "life accomplishment" plan. i think he's basically a spoiled ethnic person which is sad in this world. of course, i'm a woman of power and naturally he wanted to sap that energy. he was interesting - i think he's capable of growth; then again, everyone is. i don't have the time or patience, however, to wait for him to grow up. tough titties.
1/2005-4/2005 - got a crush on emmanuel valencia, google shipping/receiving boy, which he probably knows by now. have had a few minor convos and no real developments. but man is he CUTE! latino slender boy, shaved head, baseball caps. yum.
3/2o05 - totally remodelled living room/patio; minorly redid kitchen/bath.
2005 - matt's turning 15, clarissa's turning 17 this year. trying to plan this crap out - college, coming to live with me.
2006 plan - move to LA area, pursue acting, singing, etc.
1/2005-4/2005 - been singing at cafecito, open mics, trying to get some performance exposure. got a bit of a crowd. got malachi the manager/promoter dude after me, also networking, maintaining ties. i'm not into him, but i'm polite about it. i'm the new "jill scott." HA!
3/2005 - met a massage therapist (jeff/jay) via labelle day spa at the palo alto mall - he was amazing. is filipino, and i was worried about a male masseuse but he was goooood and well behaved. we talked a lot the first massage. the second massage, we talked a whole lot more. learned a lot about him; he learned a lot about me. we laughed, found out things - it was like an amazing date and SO easy compared to the crappy dates and interactions with blehpeh. he gave me his email and phone; i wrote him; we're gonna have a bit of correspondence and apparently see each other one day when i head south.


spring 2005 - haven't been writing much. bad news. a couple poems here and there, that's it.

4/11/2005 - what triggered this update? figured i'd transcribe this letter to mom for posterity; who knows whether she'll take the check and tear the letter up; read the letter at all; trash both the letter and check ... who knows. I came into a windfall from the IPO - why not share it? She's always hungry for $$ and well, if I've been sending dad some for helping me out, might as well send some to the greediest woman on the planet.

But it comes with a price, and that's an explanation of why i can't be near her, and why she should behave better. anyway the letter references how she treats my bro and sis - which is how she used to treat me. very nasty unhealthy stuff. last story from the kids was she chased matt with a hammer and knife, threatened to kill him if he didn't leave the house; later found him at his friend's house and made up a story so that he looked like a liar and delinquent to the friend's family. typical. and the kids, they take it like it's nothing, because they think that this is normal. this is all they know. this is what makes me want to take them into a home that's healthy. but i wouldn't want to fight for custody, or go through that kind of mess. she would make me pay for it like hell and slander my name to high heaven. but it's so wrong. god they are so beautiful and special and innocent, and to treat any child like that, let alone your own ... well, it's typical of her. and so fucking wrong.

Dear Mom,
I've talked to the kids and heard some things that make me sad. You don't want to talk about the past, and I don't want to continue living in a place of unhealthiness - your life is what you make of it, and so are your relationships. There comes a time when we must look around and ask ourselves if this is how we want to be remembered - by our children, our ex-partners, our families. There comes a point where you're too old to be selfish, and all that matters is being good to those we love, while god allows us time with them. I love you, even if I can't take being close to you any more. And no matter the distance, that is always true. Maybe one day we can function without hurting one another. But what matters more are Matt and Clarissa. They are precious, and should be treated that way - always.

Hope this helps. Please spend it wisely.

Love,

Miriam

Sent some mula with it. we'll see what she does. i sent her a necklace. the cheapest nicest thing at red envelope was a dove necklace. i knew she'd love it, and found it ironic. she thinks she's such a christian but treats people close to her so poorly, so selfishly. her greed for power, for affection, for support, for attention, for the world to work her way even when it's illogical, dangerous, hurtful - she doesn't know what being christian means and i don't think she ever will. she only worries about fixing things when they aren't going her way. she wrote me a card about the necklace, saying it had extra meaning. in her mind, probably that i was giving her a peace offering. more like a duty gift, but what the hey. whatever floats your boat.

dad in town for a couple weeks, got a prostate procedure done on tues and was told he could fly 15 hours from bahrain to california. NOT. developed complications on the plane and drove through extreme pain from SF to Santa Clara (at LEAST 45 min) which was dangerous as hell. Near collapsing, I got him to the ER and got him taken care of. he's resting and going to have to be careful and do some follow up care for the next week but MAN. scared the shit out of me. i was crying while helping him walk because he could barely move he was in so much pain. that's a terrible thing to see, your parent fragile and in so much pain and helpless.

in other news, i loathe my boss with a passion and seriously wish him some physical harm. he's a useless dolt who harms his underlings with his bad management and bravura, and he totally disregards women and takes credit for their work. i want a karma ball to burst through the entire fucking company and bring justice to us all.

So I guess I stopped writing about the jamba boy right around the time I started getting stressed, annoyed, and bored with the whole thing. Bored because who can stay intrigued and interested in someone who is a 10 year old in a 20 yr old's body with the mind of a redneck and the pecker the size of a papaya? After a while it gets old. I got tired of picking him up in the middle of the night and sneaking around and feeling like an all around idiot so it ended swiftly and permanently without any real goodbyes in February 2004.

And then of course I had to deal with medical issues and another surgery and while I had lost some weight I've gained some back and we shall now record me at : 223. I began at 252, so this number is still good. However, there was a time I was at 213. So, this number is not good enough. I gotta make some progress.

I have 2 months (til Aug 3) to lose some hard core weight so I can look decent in Vegas at our family reunion. Oh yeah.

An email I wrote about a tiny development ... to a friend:

From: "Miriam M. Wynn"
To: XXX
Subject: guess what i found?
Date: Mon, 10 Nov 2003 11:06:37 -0800

girl so last night i get home and hunt for some pajamas to climb into. guess what I found?

a tshirt from my boy. i think it's one of his favorites - he loves flames, and it had "Year of the Dragon" with fire and flames down the back and on the sleeves. And it SMELLS like him girl, oh my god, it smells amazing. what the hell was it doing in my hamper?

so the night he left he was packing up and his stuff was everywhere (he'd only been at my house a few hours, from like, 10:30 to 2 am) and he said, I feel like I'm forgetting something. and i looked around and back at him like, nope, doesn't seem like it. and he did the same and agreed.

so he packed up and we headed out and then that's when i took him back to his place and that was the last time i saw him (when i parked and went back to him and got it on with him a little more and then he swung me up in the air and I went back out alone into the rain).

so i wonder if he had left it on purpose. I dunno but I do know that on Tues he had wanted to take my bra home with him but realized his gf wouldn't appreciate that. and on Friday i went THROUGH that hamper and didn't even see it - it was clean clothes, just all bundled up. then no word from him and on saturday the breakup call. and on sunday i'm gone all day and i come back to find this magical thing in my hamper. hah.

that does trigger something though. he had mentioned thursday that he needed to wash clothes and that he would take all his stuff to his aunt's house to wash. and i had laughed at him for using other peeps to wash his clothes. now it makes sense - he went over there on Friday and that's apparently when she may have said something to him about seeing him with another girl ...

ah well. just an FYI. i spent last night holding on tight to that shirt and breathing in his scent like nobody's business. it'll fade eventually but i'll always have it. and if he shows up asking for it i'm not gonna let him have it. only fair considering he has a girlfriend to keep him warm at night and i got nada. :P

m

He called Sat at around 5 (I had a horrible time sleeping fri night). Left a message saying to call him as soon as I got the message (I was in the theater watching Matrix 3 and crying at the love story). Shelema was with me. Drove her partway home and stopped off so she could buy a crepe. Waited in the car - checked the message immediately. He said, "Call me as soon as you get this, it's an emergency." So I did. Turned out the number he left was for where he works. When he got on the phone he was tender and sweet, his voice totally changed. "Hey, kiddo," he greeted me, with his usual pet name. "Hi," I said, "what's wrong? there's an emergency?" He said, "Yeah ... basically i fucked up, somehow my aunt saw us together and I'm in big trouble ... " I said, "Oh ... I'm sorry." I meant, I'm sorry you got caught, sorry you're in trouble, sorry for everything ... He said, "So I don't think we can see each other any more." My voice was tiny. what could I say? "Alright." A bit of silence, and then I said, "I'll miss you though." He said, "I'll miss you, too," very gently. And we said our goodbyes, and that was that.

All while sitting in the car. Shelema came back, and I had to drive her back home as if nothing had happened. I got home and crawled into my bed. I didn't eat. I cried. I could barey sleep. It was very shitty.

I thought we'd have more time. I wish that he'd been more careful. I wish for a lot of things. And I do miss him. Badly.

So Wed night (11/5) he called me late and kept me up pretty late (2 am!).

Thursday (11/6) he called me all day and begged to come up to SF with me to my voice class. I warned him he'd have to entertain himself for 3 hours. He rode up from San Jose on the 22 all the way to Walmart Mountain View (2 hrs on a bus) where I could pick him up. He asked - where's my kiss? I've never had a man ask me that. EVER. Off we drove, and he kept me entertained the whole way making funny voices - I insisted, you need to be in voice acting. He said, I would if I knew how. I said, just like an actor, you audition, you book jobs. You can't live off it but you can't make extra money. He's like, we could go into business together! I laughed at that.

He eagerly pulled up his left shorts leg so I could run my nails on his thigh gently ... we drove like that, chatting about everything and nothing, him making crazy voices and jokes and telling me random facts he knows. He keeps me guessing, remains random, mysterious, funny, sharp. He's charming, odd, goofy.

I suppose I expected him to be fun and that's about it. No depth, no added interaction, just physical attraction. It's amazing and scary to discover how good to me he is, how gentlemanly, thoughtful, and generous. After class, he made sure to greet me with my jacket at the door to make sure I got to the car dry and safe. He told me how he'd wanted to take me to a movie but couldn't because he'd had to make sure his grandmother had a hotel for the night, and his funds were short. He cooked food for us at the end of the night. He does these things of his own free will and he's MADE like that. He keeps talking about things he wants to do with me - go cart riding, teach me how to drive a stick shift, voice acting, dancing, go to a party, go the movies, all these things he doesn't have to do, doesn't need to do. But he wants to.

He kept saying, "Why couldn't I have met you earlier? Where were you? Why didn't you come along sooner?" And my answer was always, "Sadly, far away, nowhere near you." But every time you conjecture on the "whatifs" you risk thinking of the future, the past, what could be. And NOTHING can be.

I have decided that I want to be good to him, and enjoy him, and enjoy him being good to me. That this will be a positive experience wherein we'll learn from each other and add to each other's lives for a brief time. I want to give him great memories so that one day he'll think back to this and smile. I don't want us to regret this or knowing each other. I want to give him every fantasy and positive thing I can. I want to appreciate him for what he is as much as I am able to, as much as is allowed.

Thursday night, we got very intimate and I made love to him as best as I could in my physical state (still healing). I did several things he'd never experienced before and he was amazed. He let me take his picture (just his face) so I could have proof he existed. I have his full name but after this ends I won't be using it or the picture for anything but memories.

What sucks is to think that if we had met 3, 4 years ago, what would we have been like? Beautiful? Happy? After 3-6 months even now we might turn out awful, the lust wears off and there's nothing left.

He mentioned something about the future, conjecturing - he said, so I cook, clean, fix my house up, take care of my grandma. I said, yes, you're a very amazing boy. He said, how would you feel about being with someone who worked at jamba juice? I said, I'd have this question before and it's tough. If it were love I guess I'd have to be ok with it as long as he was happy. But he can't trip because I make more money than him. But I'd rather that the man I was with challenge himself and do creative things that make him happy. Whatever that is, college etc. But I think I confused him - he said, "Well I guess I'm not the perfect guy for you then, I want to do more than work there." I said, "That's not what I meant, I'd RATHER he challenge himself and go to college or whatever, as long as he's doing what makes him happy. But we shouldn't even be thinking about this." I said that to stop us from imagining ourselves together.

He finds me amazing and beautiful and hot and special and I'm fat and a mess. He told me he loves my big ass and boobs and love handles and stretch marks and it doesn't matter if I were skinnier or not, I'm amazing. He agrees that I need to lose weight and works out - he's a realist, and yet, sees the beauty and me and not only that, FEELS the beauty in me. I have never felt that on the receiving end nor felt it for another. He wants to know all about me and tells me all about himself. He went through my entire photo album and even saw my ex (eww, gross!, he said) and my prom pix and my fam and my travels. I kept telling him how hot he was, though he refused to believe it.

He makes me feel almost LOVED and he's just being a great friend and lover. I haven't felt appreciated this way ever. I mean EVER. I have had men petulant and pissy and prissy and whiny and manipulative and pushy and selfish and childish ... but he's oddly always a man even though he's young and inexperienced.

I dropped him off at home and he said, "You don't want to come in, do you? You have to go to bed?" I said, yep. And he said, "Good night. Call me sometime." Without a kiss and I drove off feeling empty. So I turned back and found parking and walked through the rain with my umbrella and tapped lightly on the door. He looked freaked out and angry but let me in, realizing who it was. He was like, "What?" I said, you wanted me to come in, or ..." He said, "She's coming over soon." I told him I could go but he had invited me, it was up to him. "Well, we have an hour," he said. I said, "Can we go into the bedroom?" He said, "Why?" I said so that I can fulfill his fantasy. He said, "For real?" Grinned, and off we went.

I did that for him and afterward he asked, "Why did you come back?" I usually never answer questions without thinking first. This time I blurted what the reason was, without thinking about it. I said, "Because I wanted to be with you." I had been unsatisfied with our goodbye, without one last kiss, without being held by him.

He said, "Uh ..." I cut him off - "No no no! Not like that. Physically." He said, "Oh, because I was about to say that I can't do that ..." I said, "I know, of course not. Show me what you were going to show me." So he tried to find something he'd promised to show me and then I said, "I gotta go." As we tried to find my stuff he kinda snipped at me and I said, "Sorry!" He said, "I didn't mean to bite at you, I was just saying ..." And I said, "Iss coo."

To the door, where I put on my stuff, and he said, "Can I pick you up?" I gave him my laughing, sarcastic look and he grabbed me up and I laughed for him, smiling. Stepped on his toes on the way down. At the door, "I'm sorry I can't walk you out. Thanks for everything, for being so good to me, for taking me home tonight." "You're welcome," and off I went.

I got home expecting a phone call, but there was nothing. I got ready for bed and just before climbing in, the phone went off. "Hey kiddo," he said. "You made it home alright?" My voice had suddenly become terribly human, younger than it had ever been with him, because he'd taken me off guard. I had not expected to hear from him. "Yes, I got home safe. I'm getting ready for bed." "Jump in the bed then and go to sleep." "I am!" "Good. Goodnight." "Goodnight."

I wondered if that was it. All the way home and that night I knew that I had to fight feeling for him. With everything. And figure out what I wanted to do.

Friday - 11/7 - At work the next day I wondered if he'd call. On Thursday, he'd called at 2, and several times after. I called and left a voicemail on his phone at 11 am. I said, "Hi, it's Miriam, just wanted to say thank you for being so sweet yesterday, I had a lot of fun. Talk to you later, bye." I remained calm and friendly and as platonic as I could make myself sound.

Something like that. I wanted to say more but was afraid to be too detailed, but I wanted him to know how much I appreciated all he did for me, making me feel so good about myself, doing so much he didn't have to do (2 hr bus ride, etc, putting up with me and my health issues).

It's 5 pm and no answer. Perhaps I'll never hear from him again. That is a possibility. Doesn't mean that it isn't deserved. Doesn't mean that it won't hurt.