tues night - hung out with joel, watched Real World, yelled at the screen. marveled at world championship poker. they have the coolest house. 3 cool guys, one girl (semi-fiance to one of them) and it's like a youth hostel. we all gravitate to their nice large, clean 3-bedroom townhouse with plush carpets and expensive tv. ended up with several of us gathered around watching this strange show "i'm with busey" - where gary busey acts exceedingly odd and it's sorta funny, kinda scary.
wed night - watched queer as folk instead with charlotte, got her hooked. she spilled the beans about her longing for a boy she can't have. don't i know plenty about that. i talked her through it. but it will take her time and her own willpower. thurs, me, vegging on the couch.
fri, charlotte got bad news about the boy she can't have and after a cheesy movie (legally blonde 2) met up with her to provide a shoulder. more talking through it. it'll take time, or a new man. both can be tough. she's beautiful, lush, innocent, gamine. wide-eyed and generous. her past is riddled with childish mistakes that would have her family believing otherwise. she and i are young, virginal, and frightened of opening ourselves up to someone we want and care for because we don't know how and don't want to get trampled on. i told her - we are awkward because we're learning. anyone who begrudges that is a cad and tough titties to him. one day we may be suave. but our charm now is that we DON'T know. and someday we'll meet someone we're comfortable with and while the awkwardness may still be there - it certainly won't be painful or shameful to show him how we feel.
sat - queer as folk, sex and the city, poking my cat, sweating in my apartment. and then to work. where i am as i write this. and later to soul food "black food", a restaurant in santa clara. then tonight i intend to veg on the couch again. i need down time. healing time. away time.
medical: so there was the potential of needing to sue kaiser. i had to get an outside consultation, $300, self pay. plastic surgeon over by stanford. gave me tons of information. urged me to push kaiser, because she believed i could get quality care. will do so. she had the marvelous luck of catching one of the top plastic surgeons in the area at a departmental Stanford Hospital meeting - which he never usually goes to. she went with the sole purpose of helping me, told me my deal. first thing he asked was - what's her medical record number? so hopefully, i'll get on the road and with his help. i am waiting to hear from him.
finances: shitty as fuck. an episode of sex and the city showed carrie broke and needing to buy her apartment or be evicted. i keep overdrawing on a checking account when my savings account has jack shit in it. i am desperately waiting for payday. my life has become a juggling of paychecks, due dates, mail dates, and sending off checks post dated with the barest amount of time before the bill is due so the payment arrives at the same time the paycheck appears in my checking account. this is fucking sad. and this is all because of the medical situation. hundreds of dollars, draining away. i should have known better than to take fucking kaiser. my dad believes they contributed to the death of my bro, who would be 2 years older than me now. died the year i was born. should have not cut corners. and here i am, with a cut ass.
love: nonexistent, as usual. i watch things like queer as folk and sex and the city and i am aware of every fibre of my being and how it's ready to love. i don't want just anyone. michael proved to be an example of how you don't just settle because the person doesn' t make you UNcomfortable so you imagine they "suit." you don't want him to suit you. you want him to FIT you. like a glove. sure, i can wear any old suit off the rack. i may even look okay in it. nothing compares, however, to a suit with a line cut to match you and tailoring to hug every curve of your body - and personality.
