spring 2005 update

update:

3/2004, 10/2004: major pilonidal cyst surgeries, no full recovery
9/2004 - Google goes IPO; i get some stock mula.
2/2005: got a talent agent (Joan Spangler, looktalent.com)
3/2005: bismarck lepe aka "blehpeh", with no warning and no prep, randomly asked me out on IM and is too arrogant for his own good. told him he needed humbling and how i couldn't stand him when i first met him; he apparently expected me to chase and wheedle him into having a good time - and anyone who needs convincing to spend time with me or have fun in general is um, not worth spending time on. he spent a lot of initial time trying to convince me he's fascinating but then never really did anything fascinating. and of course, didn't properly court me or make an effort to figure ME out. heh. mexican-european dude, not particularly hot, looks older than he is, has a thing for women with power, on a "life accomplishment" plan. i think he's basically a spoiled ethnic person which is sad in this world. of course, i'm a woman of power and naturally he wanted to sap that energy. he was interesting - i think he's capable of growth; then again, everyone is. i don't have the time or patience, however, to wait for him to grow up. tough titties.
1/2005-4/2005 - got a crush on emmanuel valencia, google shipping/receiving boy, which he probably knows by now. have had a few minor convos and no real developments. but man is he CUTE! latino slender boy, shaved head, baseball caps. yum.
3/2o05 - totally remodelled living room/patio; minorly redid kitchen/bath.
2005 - matt's turning 15, clarissa's turning 17 this year. trying to plan this crap out - college, coming to live with me.
2006 plan - move to LA area, pursue acting, singing, etc.
1/2005-4/2005 - been singing at cafecito, open mics, trying to get some performance exposure. got a bit of a crowd. got malachi the manager/promoter dude after me, also networking, maintaining ties. i'm not into him, but i'm polite about it. i'm the new "jill scott." HA!
3/2005 - met a massage therapist (jeff/jay) via labelle day spa at the palo alto mall - he was amazing. is filipino, and i was worried about a male masseuse but he was goooood and well behaved. we talked a lot the first massage. the second massage, we talked a whole lot more. learned a lot about him; he learned a lot about me. we laughed, found out things - it was like an amazing date and SO easy compared to the crappy dates and interactions with blehpeh. he gave me his email and phone; i wrote him; we're gonna have a bit of correspondence and apparently see each other one day when i head south.


spring 2005 - haven't been writing much. bad news. a couple poems here and there, that's it.

4/11/2005 - what triggered this update? figured i'd transcribe this letter to mom for posterity; who knows whether she'll take the check and tear the letter up; read the letter at all; trash both the letter and check ... who knows. I came into a windfall from the IPO - why not share it? She's always hungry for $$ and well, if I've been sending dad some for helping me out, might as well send some to the greediest woman on the planet.

But it comes with a price, and that's an explanation of why i can't be near her, and why she should behave better. anyway the letter references how she treats my bro and sis - which is how she used to treat me. very nasty unhealthy stuff. last story from the kids was she chased matt with a hammer and knife, threatened to kill him if he didn't leave the house; later found him at his friend's house and made up a story so that he looked like a liar and delinquent to the friend's family. typical. and the kids, they take it like it's nothing, because they think that this is normal. this is all they know. this is what makes me want to take them into a home that's healthy. but i wouldn't want to fight for custody, or go through that kind of mess. she would make me pay for it like hell and slander my name to high heaven. but it's so wrong. god they are so beautiful and special and innocent, and to treat any child like that, let alone your own ... well, it's typical of her. and so fucking wrong.

Dear Mom,
I've talked to the kids and heard some things that make me sad. You don't want to talk about the past, and I don't want to continue living in a place of unhealthiness - your life is what you make of it, and so are your relationships. There comes a time when we must look around and ask ourselves if this is how we want to be remembered - by our children, our ex-partners, our families. There comes a point where you're too old to be selfish, and all that matters is being good to those we love, while god allows us time with them. I love you, even if I can't take being close to you any more. And no matter the distance, that is always true. Maybe one day we can function without hurting one another. But what matters more are Matt and Clarissa. They are precious, and should be treated that way - always.

Hope this helps. Please spend it wisely.

Love,

Miriam

Sent some mula with it. we'll see what she does. i sent her a necklace. the cheapest nicest thing at red envelope was a dove necklace. i knew she'd love it, and found it ironic. she thinks she's such a christian but treats people close to her so poorly, so selfishly. her greed for power, for affection, for support, for attention, for the world to work her way even when it's illogical, dangerous, hurtful - she doesn't know what being christian means and i don't think she ever will. she only worries about fixing things when they aren't going her way. she wrote me a card about the necklace, saying it had extra meaning. in her mind, probably that i was giving her a peace offering. more like a duty gift, but what the hey. whatever floats your boat.